Mapantasya


Just a thought
October 25, 2008, 10:17 pm
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I was about to leave the house for my evening work when a thought suddenly crossed my mind. It was a thought that popped out in the most unexpected moment. The kind that intrudes your senses. The kind that is awakening. Or maybe, the kind which is alarming to me.

I just happen to pause for a while and ponder on some things.

What kind of life am I living? How do I differ to other students? Or to other young people? Am I happy with it? Am I contented with it? Am I doing the right thing? What really is the right thing for me?

Well I was just hoi polloi few years ago. When I entered college, I was very ordinary. I go to school and home sweet home after it. Of course I have my fair share of vices. What are youth anyway? I was not that attached really to my academics. I have much of my time wasted at home. Watching TV, renting movies, listening to the hottest music, hang-out sometimes with my friends, chat with my neighbors, and spending quality time with my family.

In short, I was living an easy life. I deserve it perhaps because that’s just what I wanted.

But things changed during my second year, especially when I joined the student publication. It was a dream come true for me because of my passion in writing. It was a dream come true for me because I’m starting to get off my shell. I was weaving my own identity. I started to read my full name in our school paper. It was a self-fulfillment that no money can compensate. But most of all I earned friends who made my college life worth the while. Everyday is a day of excitement with them. The publication has really made me feel like I am somebody. I am no longer a nobody but somebody who’s living a life with purpose.

As I torn another page of the calendar to see another school year passed, I wasn’t really aware of what’s going to happen. Well unexpectedly, I was elected leader of our society. It may be providential but I was also employed as a part time agent in one of the companies here in the city. This means that aside from my load of being a full time student and campus journalist, I carry the responsibilities of being a student leader while working part time during weekends. This was also the reason why again I got elected as one of the officers of another organization, and then another. Modesty aside but I think I am overwhelmed with the responsibilities put on my shoulders.

“With great power comes great responsibilities.” goes the cliche but bears the truth. Another one is “You can’t serve two masters at the same time.” One might consider these as passe statements but they are absolutely true.

In fact, amidst the bundles of work that I have to do, I sometimes end up staring blankly in the wall doing nothing. I don’t know what to prioritize. I remember my teacher told me once in our dialect “imo man gung giduphan tanan”. He’s precisely correct.

Now I’m bound with too much responsibilities that I no longer have time for my family, or even for myself. I just give a heavy sigh along with my frustrations as I imagine my life. I was just an ordinary student who got bored with ordinary life so I wished for some pressures. But look where my wish has brought me. Look how far I’ve soared. And look how much pressure this life has. I truly miss him. I miss myself.

But that should have been fine if you are happy with what you’re doing. In my situation, I should say I’m pressured but still have reservoir of happiness. Deadlines really pissed me off, but being with my colleagues in the publication already gives an exit for all of my stress. I make them laugh, I make them mad, they make make me smile, and they also make me upset. That’s our life. We are family here. We seek refuge in everybody’s solace. We give love and so we receive.

To finish this, I know God is good that He will help me surmount all these.

So God bless us all.

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A self-realization
October 25, 2008, 10:15 pm
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Some couple of years ago, I was the man I wanted to be. I have bundles of friends from college, despite my being a novice. Not to mention my ever loyal friends from high school who’ve proven their worth to me. Of course I also have my course mates and new friends from other subjects.

In short, life was good and easy then. Or, at least I made it good if I may put it that way. But I’m not sure if I’ve realized what I had that time. I’m not even sure if I have the smallest idea how blessed I am to be given such wonderful people.

Perhaps I was not aware because I’m too confident that I will not lose them. I will not lose them because I have adequate time and attention for them. Time to bond with them, and cultivate the friendship we planted together so it will grow. Another factor maybe is because during that time, I’m not pressured to budget my time yet. Time which is utterly indispensable in any type of relationship to work based on my experience.

Before, aside from my whole day school rituals, I still have energy to hang out with them if I have vacant periods, or at night time and even during weekends. If I cannot be with them, I can always reach out through text message or email and the like.

But I believe it is really true that as we advance in life, we learn the limits of our abilities. We come to the point in our lives wherein we can no longer divide our time equally for everyone who needs it. We have to sacrifice the rest because we have no other choice.

The more we take higher steps in our academic journey, the more time it demands. The more we strive to excel in one field, the more we lose the others. We have to learn to set our priorities in life. This is one hell of a fact that we have to swallow. I know it sucks but it’s the reality.

And I got my fair share of this reality. I lost friends beyond my knowing. I mean I am uncertain if I have become busy or the other way that I was oblivious of their departure. They left me one by one until nothing is left to me but their traces, and some few remaining persons whom I can only count with my fingers.

I panicked like a child who cannot find his way back home until dark comes and he’s left alone in the middle of nowhere. I did all possible things to bring them back but I failed. They’re even reluctant to listen to it. It’s as if there’s nothing I can do to change the decision they’ve already fixed.

Then I also have to have a fixed decision for myself. If they have given it up that easy, why can’t I? If it is less complicated to let the person go then why keep them? Why will I make it hard for myself? Friends come and go anyway.

Eventually, I gave up on them. Slowly and gradually, I detached myself from them, no matter how hard and painful it is to put into action. And then later on, I realized that if they really are my friends, they shouldn’t have left me. Rather, they should’ve understood me as I do to them. Isn’t friendship supposed to be that way? Anyway, I’ll leave my door ajar should they decide to enter again. But I’ll be wiser and prudent (if this is the proper term) this time. This is now the man I have to be.